Midnight feedings, diapers, tantrums, unconditional love, finger paints, bedtime stories, spilled milk...repeat. If you've ever felt like you've lost a piece of yourself in the whirlwind of motherhood, let me assure you: you're not alone. You’re on the wild ride of matrescence - the transformational journey of motherhood that reshapes not just your body, but your entire sense of self.
Matrescence, that sounds much like adolescence, was a term coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael. It describes the psychological and emotional changes a woman goes through as she becomes a mother. It's like puberty, but with stretch marks and sleepless nights instead of acne and awkward growth spurts.
Research shows that matrescence is a profound journey that involves rewiring your brain, reshaping your priorities, and redefining your identity. It's expected to be asking questions like "who am I now?" because it's a completely wild and life changing transformation. You might feel a lost or overwhelmed along the way of finding and redefining yourself on your motherhood journey and though it may of not been named, or talked about out loud, mothers around you, and before you all went through it too.
- Embrace the Mess: Motherhood is messy. From spit-up stains to sleepless nights, it's easy to get caught up in the chaos. Its easy to think that we are the one causing the mess, or are the mess, but it’s just the truth about motherhood. Amidst the mess, there's also beauty, it’s both in one. Embrace the imperfections, and remember that perfect is overrated (and actually not the goal).
- Find Your People: Surround yourself with fellow moms who get it, and can talk about it. Whether it's joining a mom's group, attending a breastfeeding support circle, or simply reaching out to a friend who's been there, having a supportive community that are also experinecing the bumpy transition of matrescence can make all the difference.
- Practice Self-Care: Make self-care (aka, non-parenting time) a non-negotiable part of your routine, whether it's taking a long bath, going for a walk, or simply reading a book cozied up with a cup of herbal tea. Remind yourself that taking care of yourself isn't selfish - it's necessary for your well-being, and the well-being of your family.
- Rediscover Yourself: Let me start by saying that rediscovery is different than self-care. Rediscovery is about putting energy towards your passions and hobbies that define you outside of motherhood. Yes, you're a mom now, and you're also so much more. It might take a hot minute to figure out what your passions and interests are outside of your beloved children. Carve out time in your day or week, start small, and start exploring what you may enjoy putting your energy towards. It might be volunteering at a local organization, bird watching, or buying house plants to take care of. Remembering who you are outside of motherhood is essential for maintaining your wellbeing.
- Give Yourself Grace: You're doing the best you can, and that's more than enough. It's okay to have bad days, to feel overwhelmed, and to make mistakes. It may not feel graceful, and that’s the dance of this season. Sow the seeds of self-compassion, and remember that you're doing one of the hardest jobs in the world.
To all the mamas out there navigating the messy, awkward, yet beautiful journey of matrescence, I see you. You're stronger than you know, and you're not alone. Embrace the chaos, find your people, and remember to rediscover and take care of yourself along the way. And above all, know that your identity as a mother is just one piece of the beautiful mosaic that makes you who you are. You've got this.
Shoshanna Rome, LMHC, PMH-C is a perinatal mental health specialist and mom of two. She owns Shoshanna Rome Mental Health Counseling in Mount Kisco, NY, where she supports mothers through the emotional shifts of pregnancy, postpartum, and beyond. For more insights keep reading her blogs or follow her on Instagram @maternalinmind.
